As I finally get it in my head that I don’t have to get up tomorrow write lesson plans rush to get my kids somewhere make dinner pick up, I breathe. Then I make lists. Lists of things I need to do. Or rather lists of things I think I need to do…. you know organize the linen closet, go through the Tupperware drawer, box up donations, take pictures of the kids’ school projects, etc. You know all the things I should be doing along the way to show my value as a mom, wife and person.
Then I start reading “Girl, Stop Apologizing” by Rachel Hollis. And she speaks to me. She points out that my self worth shouldn’t be based on what someone else thinks of me. It should be based on me. My happiness ratings should be on me. I stop reading… I think what does make me happy? What will make me feel like I’m accomplished?
I think I used to know. In my 20s it was getting my career off the ground. It was getting hired in a top notch district and having my own classroom. I was making a life for myself. I knew what made me happy.
Then somehow things changed. I don’t know how it happened nor did I think it was a “bad” thing at the time. But I started doing more for others and less for me. The definition of what made me a “good person” became how happy or how good I made others feel. Now as I sit here… I think where do I go from here? How do I find me?
I’ve started things to find me again as my babies (now 8 and 11) find themselves. Like I have gone back to the gym and reading more books that I enjoy. But it’s still a work in progress.
Namaste Mom 